So, I made a decision to resolve this problem. I have never worn a two-piece training suit before, but due to the frequency of my afternoon swims and the beautiful weather, I purchased one.
Here in Pittsburgh, there is a shop called Knabes Swim and Trophy, which carries all different swim apparel from all different companies. Therefore, this was my only stop when searching for my solution. However, when I arrived, I was disappointed to see that the only selection in the 2-piece training suits was limited to a very small clearance rack. Perseverance always wins over though, here is my purchase:
If you look closely enough, you can see that the top and bottom not only don't match, but they are from 2 different companies (top from Dolphin, and bottom from Speedo). But hey, the top was $11 and the bottom was $7...can't beat that when regular 2-pieces run no less than $50 these days.
I'm pretty self-conscious in this, but I have no one to impress. And I would rather look a little ridiculous wearing this in front of a bunch of other people in unflattering swimwear than look ridiculous in a pretty dress at a formal function with funky tan lines exposed!